Us Weekly editor-in-chief Bonnie Fuller broke my arm.

You're thinking maybe I ran into her at some American Society of Magazine Editors event, where possibly she bumrushed me, shrieking something like, "I take issue with what you've written about me — I am not an evil genius!" before hurling a punch bowl in my direction? No, the truth is I was shopping in the basement of a Long Island Marshall's, where I found the most adorable sweater in a markdown bin. When I tried to grab it, I realized another shopper already had a tight grip on one of its sleeves.

I looked up. It was Bonnie. And she wouldn't let go. A scuffle, a blur, a crashing rack of blouses — and next thing I knew, I was being wheeled away on a stretcher with my arm in a splint.

Okay, fine. So that's not, technically, exactly what happened. But really, I'm pretty sure I'd be able to get this account past the fact-checkers at any number of magazines on some "sources say" backup. (Besides, I actually broke my arm snowboarding in Canada, and since Bonnie's Canadian, I think of her as being at least partially responsible.)

Also, I need this scene — a crisp, violent confrontation — for my Glossies, the Movie screenplay, and who better for it than Bonnie? Meanwhile, with the recent news that Cybill Shepherd has signed on to play Martha Stewart in an upcoming NBC television movie, I thought I better get cracking on casting my own project.

So, first things first. Former Talk editor Tina Brown will be played by Meryl Streep (fresh from her success playing New Yorker writer Susan Orlean in Adaptation) and will be revealed to be a British secret agent. In a scene set at a fashion show, Harper's Bazaar editor Glenda Bailey (Toni Collette) and Cosmopolitan editor Kate White (Meg Ryan) will engage in a hair-pulling, bitch-slapping tussle over a front-row seat, while Vogue editor Anna Wintour (Catherine Zeta-Jones, but she'll have to lose a lot of weight) and Elle editor Robbie Myers (Liv Tyler) look on in horror.

Condé Nast editorial director James Truman will be played by Aidan Quinn — though, as in real life, I'm not sure what the James Truman character does, exactly. And outgoing GQ editor Art Cooper? James Gandolfini (watch for a bloody plot twist involving Men's Health editor Dave Zinczenko, played by Craig Kilborn).

Inspired by the success of Chicago, I'm writing a big song-and-dance number for Sports Illustrated editor Terry McDonell (Terry Gilliam), Steve Brill (Michael Chiklis), American Media CEO David Pecker (Chazz Palminteri), and Maxim editor Keith Blanchard (Nathan Lane), not to mention a showstopping star turn for Essence editorial director Susan Taylor (Vanessa Williams).

Time Inc. editorial director John Huey (Michael Douglas) will host a dinner for his famiglia of editors. (I don't want to give too much away, but the dessert course is a baseball bat.)

Rolling Stone editor Jann Wenner will be played by . . . Jann Wenner. (He'll improv his lines.)

Los Angeles editor Kit Rachlis (Richard Gere) and Milwaukee Magazine editor John Fennell (Stanley Tucci) will team up with Texas Monthly editor Evan Smith (Christopher Walken) to foil a plot by evil advertising execs to turn all city and regional magazines into nothing but special advertising sections.

I'm still working on the particulars, but New Yorker editor David Remnick (Paul Reiser) will definitely engage in hand-to-hand combat with Vanity Fair editor Graydon Carter (Anthony Hopkins, with hair extensions) in a hyperviolent confrontation, while New York media columnist Michael Wolff (played by Larry "Curb Your Enthusiasm" David) eggs them on. (Wait, hold on. Since I'm Michael's editor at New York, I'll be nice and upgrade him to Ed Harris.)

And as you already know from the Bonnie-breaks-my-arm scene, I'm taking my cue from Adaptation and writing myself into the screenplay. While I don't want to blow the plot twist, you can expect some sort of Britney Spears/Justin Timberlake-style reconciliation between Bonnie (Penny Marshall, with a dye job) and me (Jake "Bubble Boy" Gyllenhaal).

Glossies, the Movie is, yes, everything you think it is — part thriller, part comedy, part drama, part musical — but at its core it's just a good old-fashioned love story between a columnist and his muse.

Either that, or it's a cry for help.